Pool Cue News and Review

Springtime is here and if I’m gonna fit into that Speedo in time for the APA Nationals, I better start thinking about getting in shape. I keep hearing that everyone loves a fat guy, but I think they mean love to hang out with, not love to make bang time with. Granted, I’m not as fat as this guy, but I need to get my fat ass to the gym regardless.

So with that, I give you my Fatboy Workout Regimen to be updated until a giant plate of jalepeno poppers and buffalo wings gets the better of me.

Vitals
Weight: 200 lbs
Smokes: Not Anymore (see how long that lasts)
Drinks: Cutting down to only getting hammered on weekends

The Workout Playlist
Rock ‘n Roll Ain’t Noise Pollution - AC/DC
Walk - Pantera
Regular John - Queens of the Stone Age
Stranglehold - Ted Nugent
Ace of Spades - Motörhead
OPP - Naughty By Nature
Iron Man - Sabbath
Hypnotize - Biggie
Rooster - Alice in Chains
Tuesday’s Gone - Skynard

Current Player: Ghetto iPod Nano

The Regimen (3 sets / 10 slow reps)
Bicep Curls: 80 lbs
Tricep Curls: 84 lbs
Biangular Bench: 112 lbs
Butterfly Pecs: 134 lbs
Biangular Lat Pulldown: 137 lbs
Seated Leg Curls: 108 lbs
Stairmaster or Bike: 30 minutes

Ronnie O’Sullivan is now officially my favorite billiards player. I don’t know if he had one too many pints before his press conference but Ronnie said some bad things at his press conference after losing at the China Open. Some of the key quotes to take away include: “Do you want to suck that?” “Do you want to come and suck on that later?” “Fuck me, how many more questions are they going to ask?” and my favorite, which I will surely use the next time I’m drunk… “Anyone want to give me a nosh?”

My man is going to get hit with a nasty fine on this one, guaranteed. Sir Rodney Walker is reportedly pretty ripshit about it. Well… as ripshit as anyone who’s been knighted can get anyway. The Guardian over in the UK has been following this story. Also, if you’re so inclined, there’s a video of the press conference on some Chinese You Tubeish site.

Anyone following the IPT Viewer’s Choice rankings for their upcoming challenge match knows that Jasmin Ouschan has been sitting up near the catbird seat for some time. As of just a few days ago, she was #2 and less than a percentage point away from #1. Now she’s gone, along with Shane Van Boring, Allison Fisher and the majority of the “name” players on the circuit. Apparently, not everyone wants to play in a challenge match for the IPT. As it stands you can get ready for some real excitement as Vilmos Foldes is leading with Gerda Hofstatter in second place. Seriously, is anyone planning on tuning in to watch this? Look, I’m all for anyone trying something new when it comes to pool, even if it is a skidmark like Kevin Trudeau, but this shit just keeps getting worse and worse. The matches have been all but unwatchable, the play has been sloppy and now the IPT is putting up two names that really no one cares to watch. It should be called the IPT Viewers Choice Assuming We Can Get Them Challenge Match.

All that said, there is a challenge match possibility that I would tune in for. I would love to see a match between 14 (or 15, I can’t remember) year old Austin Murphy and perennial shitheel Earl Strickland. This match could bring about any or all of the following: Earl browbeating a kid, Earl losing to a kid, Austin’s pop going Hockey Dad on Earl after said browbeating. Now that’s entertainment! So people, start casting your votes for Austin Murphy and Earl Strickland.

Another interesting patent read. The claim made by the manufacturers of Scorpion cues is that their cuemaking process provides protection from atmospheric extremes by their “Armor Effect” technique of coating the shaft with fiberglass, effectively sealing the wood and protecting it from moisture. According to the patent though, the real protection comes from the following:

“A process for manufacturing wooden cues involves turning a wooden stick to obtain a certain diameter cue. This cue is then drilled to form holes, thereby destroying the composition of the wood fibers. Next, a glue and composite material are coated on the cue resulting in a preferred diameter cue size. The cue is then placed in a mold, pressed and heat dryed. The ends of the cue are then cut to an appropriate length and stoppers are added to the ends thereof. The resulting cue will be water-proof and will avoid warping, even over an extended period of use.”

So the coating is part of it, but the other big part is the act of drilling holes in the shaft and filling them with a composite in order to break up the wood fibers. Pretty interesting stuff. This should protect the cue from warping, but the wood does have to be straight prior to the process in order for it to work.

Personal experience, I have a bunch of friends that play with Scorpion cues and none of them have had any warping problems. They can take a pretty decent beating too. I prefer the feel of a more traditional cue to a Scorpion, but that’s just me.

So I finally got around to seeing Juno and all I can say is I have a new obsession that goes by the name of Diablo Cody. Diablo Freakin’ Cody. She works as a stripper, writes the Juno script in the Target food court and scores a dumptruck full of awards and honors. Plus, she’s found a way to be snarky and sincere. Ah Diablo, my tattooed, foul mouthed muse… Anyway, all this movie watching and hero worship got me thinking about the Holy Grail of pool: the next Color of Money.

About every 25 years, a movie about pool makes it to the mainstream and the industry rejoices. First we had The Hustler in 1961. Then 25 years later we had The Color of Money in 1986. So the 3rd coming of the mainstream pool movie is just around the corner. There have been pretenders to be sure. Pool Hall Junkies is a favorite among pool players but never made it to the mainstream. A few years ago there was a big buzz about Mr. Sarah Michelle Gellar starring in a pool movie. Sadly, “Shooting Gallery” never made it to the theaters and quietly died in the DVD hospice.

So what do we have to look forward to? First is the 9 Ball “project”. The producers clearly know how much this flick is worth, since they’re selling DVDs with tickets for the bargain price of two bucks. Hmm… a movie starring a pool player with no acting experience, an awful script and no financing? Next!

The other ray of hope is the Kid Delicious flick. Now this one actually has a real studio behind it, but the problem is that its been 3 years and there’s still no movement on the deal. The author did finish the book so in theory he’s working on a script, but you could fill a ball park with the number of scripts that have been optioned by a studio that never got made into a movie.

So, will our savior be in theaters by 2011? Will a screenwriter the caliber of Diablo Cody or a director the caliber of Martin Scorsese make a movie about pool? Hell, I’d even take a Will Ferrellesque spoof. If a spoof about the ultimate underground ping pong tournament can get a wide theatrical release, can’t we get the same for pool?

Even in this darkest hour, there is hope. Chris Eigeman, a real life Johnny Drama, wrote and directed Turn the River which <gasp> stars real actors! Famke Janssen plays the lead Rip Torn costars.

Interestingly, Variety actually gave the flick a pretty nice write-up back in November. Unfortunately, the flick doesn’t have a distribution deal yet and since its an indie, I’m guessing its headed straight to Netflix or at best, a limited release in arthouse theaters.